I try to catch my breath
It hasn’t happened yet
I’m wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You’re all I’ve got
Recognize it? The above quote is the opening verse for Josh Wilson’s song “Carry Me.” I’ve loved this song since the first time I heard it. Little did I know that the lyrics would become a reality in my life. I never knew I would constantly be repeating the lines in the chorus…
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I’m ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
I never knew I’d ever have to deal with stress and anxiety so bad that I would have panic attacks.
I never realized how real and serious anxiety was in people’s lives… Until it happened to me.
I won’t get into too much detail but I’ve been going through a lot this past year – one of those things being anxiety and panic attacks because of some things going on in my life. In June of this year, I started getting dizzy and short of breath. I was sent home from work early twice in the same week. I would constantly try to encourage myself and get my mind off everything. It mainly only happened when I was at work. Eventually, it started to go away. In July, I went to church camp. I had a panic attack that Tuesday before service. A minister’s wife that I knew prayed for me at the altar call and the anxiety went away and was released from my life. I was delivered, I truly believe it. But unfortunately, Anxiety wasn’t done with me.
In the following weeks, Anxiety would show up here and there. Nothing really triggered it. It would just come upon me at random times. And the times I expected it to come, it wouldn’t. At work, I was able to talk it down and keep it under control. But for some reason it tormented me the most at church right before we would lead worship. One Wednesday night, it got so bad I had to stop praise singing and just sit down. I felt like I was going to pass out. My chest ached so bad. My mom made a Dr’s appointment the next day to make sure that it wasn’t a health issue. I went to the Dr and he said I was perfectly healthy. He even hooked a machine and wires to me to make sure it wasn’t my heart. And it wasn’t. All he could say was that I might be low on iron and have some anxiety.
My family and I prayed. The enemy has been fighting us so strong the past few months, we knew it had become a spiritual battle. Whenever I would feel Anxiety trying to come back, I prayed. I quoted scripture and demanded it to leave in Jesus name. I would constantly sing this song to encourage myself…
Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don’t let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You’re still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You’d never leave
I knew that He would never leave me nor forsake me. It’s been a long road. Things began to calm down, but the past few weeks have gotten pretty rough again..
Lately Anxiety has been bringing his friend, Fear. And eventually, Fear has brought his friend Death… well, the fear of death anyway. One night after wrestling with fear of death till about 12:30/1am, I got my parents and they stayed up and prayed with me until 2am. The lines to the bridge of this song have never meant more to me than they did in that moment…
I’m at the end of myself
I know I’ve got nothing left
Feels like I’m stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I’ve been down here so long
I just can’t find my way out
Oh God I don’t stand a chance
Unless You carry me now
God carry me now
I used to think something like this would never happen to me. That only “weak people” who didn’t have a strong walk with God would experience such anxiety and fear. Even though I’ve been around family members who have had severe panic attacks, I didn’t take it serious. Amazing how things change when you’re the one going through it.
People may say, “Well Kristina, if you were truly delivered from anxiety in July you wouldn’t be battling it still.” My response to you is that before that time at church camp, I literally let Anxiety control my life. I let the fear of another panic attack get in the way of my every day life. I AM delivered. Now, I don’t let it control me. I put it in God’s hands. And when I feel like I can’t get through it just by myself, I call in for backup.
Now I let Fear and Anxiety know that GREATER IS HE THAT IS IN ME than fear, anxiety, death, and all of hell! I place these worries and fears into God’s hands. I allow Him to carry me and take control. You can be delivered from something and still fight it every day (think of pornography addictions, lust, etc). It’s a constant battle, but the key is not letting it back in to your life.
Jesus loves each and every one of us. Fear and Anxiety are not of Him. We must stand strong and rebuke the enemy. If you are currently struggling and dealing with anxiety, know that you are not alone. Many people face it on a daily basis. Don’t let it control your life. Since I’ve had these experiences, I’ve come to realize that you can’t just “get over it” and move on like some people (including myself) have said. But know that Jesus is Lord and He is MORE than able to rid you of your fears and carry you!!
Pray to God. Cry out to Him. He will give you peace. He will give you rest. Let Him carry you…
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let you requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7)
I pray you’re encouraged by this song as much as I was. Have a listen. And be sure to check out Josh Wilson’s blog on the story behind Carry Me. It’s good to know we’re not alone.